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FIC: Little Words (1/1), An X/1999 vignette
Title: Little Words (1/1)
Series: X/1999
Author: Sephy
Genre: Drama
Rating: PG-13
Archive: Fallen Icons
Pairings: Subaru + Kamui
Warnings: Some spoilers, AU-ish (in that sense that as we've not actually gotten an end for X anything is AUish)

Disclaimer: I don't own X/1999 nor any of its characters. They are the property of CLAMP and I'm only playing in their sandbox. No profit is intended.

Summary: 'I think that's called life ...'

Thanks: amet for pointing out what needed work and for the read through.

Author's Notes: This one is for cookedcandy who asked for Subaru/Kamui and the keyword 'coffee' in the fic meme. After having re-read through the series again for the umpteenth time, this was what first came to mind. Or rather the question of what happens after? Not in the far off sense of the word but in the more immediate sense. This is probably not making any sense but yeah... read the fic. Hopefully it will speak for itself.

Comments and criticisms are welcome; enjoy!



Little Words
A X/1999 vignette
Sephy

“So that’s it then.”

Kamui took the coffee being offered to him, nodding his thanks, “I guess so. After having this hanging over my head for so long, I have to admit that I’m … Well, kinda at a loss, yanno?”

His companion grunted, Subaru poking the fire with a loose strip of metal he’d found, kicking up a wave of sparks and graying ash that caught in the early morning light, bright against gunmetal skies. Kamui shifted, wincing as he laid his cup aside, reaching for his leg and tugging it out from under him, pins and needles accompanied by a wave of unadulterated pain, plucking at his makeshift bandage before leaning against the building again, closing his eyes.

The others had wandered off, Dragons from both sides, some taking survivors to whatever medical care they could find and others searching out this brave new world of theirs, hopping over the refuse and destruction of what had once been the heart of Tokyo. Given the amount of damage, it was hard to say who had won the battle though Kamui felt pretty sure that – for today at least – the human race wasn’t going anywhere.

“If I told you that you needed to be in a hospital,” Subaru began and then trailed off.

“Would turn you down flat,” Kamui replied patiently, lifting his cup and patting it, “I’ve got what I need right here. Speaking of, where the hell did you find this anyway?”

Subaru shrugged, his black leather coat fanning around him, amber eye speculative, “In the wreckage of one of those buildings while Kasumi-san and Aoki-san were arranging transport for Fuuma.”

“Yeah,” Kamui trailed off, eyes distant as he stared at that damn tower, somehow still the only thing standing tall or rather the only recognizable landmark still standing more or less untouched despite the battle waged there. “Any word there?”

Eyebrow arching, Subaru turned his head, expression faintly quizzical as if to ask why Kamui thought he would know that, “Sorry. I left my cell phone in my other clothes. I thought it would be rude – interrupting the end of the world to take a client. It seemed disrespectful.”

“Is that sarcasm I’m sensing?” Kamui took a sip, closing his eyes against the flood of warmth down his throat, something other than the cool morning dew and blood soaking in him. He opened his eyes again, too tired to be anything other than curious, “Why are you here anyway?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“Not what I’m saying, I’m just surprised, that’s all. I guess I figured you’d be taking off again. Like you do.”

Subaru shrugged again, surveying the debris, the raised semi-circle of rubble hiding them, Kamui’s Shinken lying beside him. “I don’t have anywhere I need to be. I guess I didn’t make plans for after yesterday.”

Kamui laughed, a bark of bitter, knowing pain that ended in a yelp as it jarred his leg, “Tell me about it. What do you do after the end of the world? I mean, it seems a little surreal just to have a coffee.”

“I guess,” Subaru lifted his cup, matter of fact, “You can do whatever you want now.”

Lowering his cup against his chest, Kamui mulled that over, the words seeming to drag from him, slow and wary when he finally spoke, “It’s kind of sad.”

“What is?”

“How much that scares the fuck out of me. I -- You ever get the feeling that this isn’t the way things are supposed to be? That something happened and it’s just all wrong and you don’t know how to fix it? So you just sit there and mull on the wrongness of it all?”

Subaru stared at him, expression impassive though there was a touch of pain in his eyes now, “Yes.”

“Oh. Yeah, sorry,” Kamui rubbed his throat lamely, giving him a weak smile and then grimacing at the crust of blood there, “It’s just…I was built for this. For yesterday. For one big, destiny-changing battle and now it’s over. And I’m still here with all this – power that I don’t even know how to fully use. Feels like maybe I shouldn’t be. That I shouldn’t be and Fuuma shouldn’t be either.”

He felt ashamed almost as soon as he said it, shaky fingers lifting to brush his bangs out of his eyes, annoyed at that. He could sense Subaru watching him, his mouth flattening out because he’d cried enough already, over Fuuma when they’d pulled him free, so much blood pouring from his chest that Kamui didn’t see how there could be anything left but there he was, still breathing, pale and nearly dead. Nearly dead but not. He held onto that, the words a mantra in the back of his mind, not telling Subaru that he couldn’t go to the hospital, that he needed time to just sit, to try and prepare himself –

For having broken his promise to Kotori, stomach clenching at the thought of CLAMP campus, of the tree, or anything that didn’t belong in this little cubby hole of rubble and cramped space. Like some goddamn wounded animal intent on licking his wounds though doubtless Ijyuin-san would scold him if he as much attempted something like that.

He was probably already going to get scolded as it was.

“I guess I just wonder – what now? Where do I go? What do I do?”

“I could repeat myself but it wouldn’t do any good. You already know what I’m going to say.”

“Which is kind of a first since I never know what you’re going to say,” Kamui paused, feeling awkward and not knowing how to say any of what he was thinking, not without causing offense. “I uh, I wanted to say thank you. And I’m sorry.”

Something close to surprise settled over Subaru’s face and he turned more fully towards Kamui, arm resting on his knees. Now that he was suddenly the focus of the man’s attention, Kamui regretted saying anything at all, trying not to squirm, “I guess I’m sorry that I wasn’t better, that I wasn’t a very good Kamui. I’m not trying to say that in a ‘Oh poor me, pity me’ way. I mean it. There was more I could have done, that I should have done.”

“You did as well as could be expected.”

“No, I really didn’t. I just sort of reacted, bouncing from one crisis to the next without really pausing because everything at the time was just so important. There wasn’t time to look at the little things, to acknowledge anything that wasn’t somehow – apocalyptic,” Kamui made a face.

“I think,” Subaru murmured, reaching out and plucking an errant strand of hair out of his face, “That’s called life.”

It was so strange to hear that from Subaru of all people, an odd sort of calm surrounding the man – as if he were finished, done and not in some morbid, planning to kill himself sort of way but as if he had a purpose now, something to sustain him and lead him through now. Kamui envied him that even as he shuddered at the cost and payment for that security, detecting a faint shift in his aura, still connected to him as he was the other Seals.

He didn’t ask; not when it was so plain to see that Subaru had accepted Seishirou’s legacy, having recognized the amber eye as soon as he’d laid eyes on it. Subaru didn’t need to explain it to him and probably wouldn’t if he asked. Maybe even couldn’t. It was just something he had to do. A few days ago, Kamui knew he wouldn’t have understood. Hell, a few hours ago he probably wouldn’t have either but here, in this place, after sitting in the dark for so long, waiting for the sun to come up, at times listening to nothing more than the sound of breathing, his and Subaru’s, the sounds of life stirring in the distance, it didn’t matter. Maybe it would later on; maybe it would become something so important that it choked him but right now, all he felt was the oddest sense of calm. As if he was finished too, the role that he’d played for so long finally over with, and the person that was left … Well, he was too busy trying to figure things out, on where to go when he took those first steps to be angry.

“I guess it is,” Kamui nodded, giving him a faint smile, turning his face towards where the sun was starting to rise, wondering how long it would take Imonoyama-sama and entourage to show up or if they were holding off out of some weird sense of decorum. “I uh – Subaru?”

That pale face tipped towards him, a little tired around the edges, half-slumped over where he was sitting, resting his arm on his raised knee, hair whisping around his face in the early morning breeze. The image seemed to freeze and Kamui knew he’d remember it, that moment and Subaru’s calm, his stillness, even if he never saw the other man again after this. He’d remember that face and the way the coffee he made had tasted, the smell of burning wood and paper. It wasn’t the perfect moment; he didn’t think there was any such thing. But it was happening and they were here and it occurred to him that was all he could ask for really.

“I – never mind,” Kamui shrugged, “It’s not important.”

Which was a lie because he thought it might be the most important thing of all, this feeling lurking underneath the skin, never voiced save in the clasp of hands or furtive touches, fleeting glances when the other man wasn’t looking. But he was still human, weaknesses and flaws and full of fears, so many fears despite this moment of calm. He was still sixteen and coltish, uncertain that he even had the right to feel like this for anyone least of all Subaru.

Resting his hand on the ground, Kamui grit his teeth, edging onto his knees and then with help, Subaru half-raising him, standing with him and letting Kamui lean against him as they found their footing, facing the rising sun, gray tinged pink now, slowly turning bloodier, gold touching those storm-colored clouds.

“Kamui,” Subaru began, sounding faintly chiding, as if to reproach him for standing at all.

“It’s okay, I just want to see the sun,” Kamui said, finding his hand and squeezing it. “It’s a new day, isn’t it? That means something unless mass marketing and a thousand cheesy pop songs are totally wrong.”

Maybe that made some sense to him, Subaru’s arm finding its way around him, straightening him up a little further and probably, Kamui was loathe to admit, to prevent him from falling flat on his ass.

“Can we say good-bye this time? When you go?” He didn’t mean for it to sound so abrupt but it’s been on his mind since Rainbow Bridge, haunted by a the ghost of someone not even dead, because until that moment Subaru had revealed himself with Fuuma, he hadn’t been entirely certain that he wasn’t dead. “It just seems – better.”

’More final,’ but Kamui kept that thought to himself, feeling the arm around him tighten then relax as if Subaru were about to do just that, let go entirely and drift off into the early morning mist.

“I’ve been thinking about something the other Kamui, Fuuma, said to me,” Subaru said, as if Kamui hadn’t spoken at all, “About people and wishes. I didn’t understand all of it but – I think maybe I could. Some day.”

Turning his face upward, he saw that Subaru was watching him, studying him as if he’d never seen him before and had he been able to, Kamui might have skittered away at that frank, discerning stare, seeming to take his measure before Kamui finally stuttered out a, “What? Have I sprouted wings or something out of the top of my head and don’t know?”

Subaru’s mouth twitched, shaking his head and passing a gloved hand over Kamui’s messy locks, “You look fine. Surprisingly – good. Not mangled.”

“Not mangled,” Kamui mused, looking down at the collection of scratches, to say little of the weeping gash in his leg, “One of those buildings didn’t fall on you, right? Because I think I look pretty much like I’ve been run over here.”

Shaking his head, Subaru sobered, again studying him, “Kamui – if that day does come, if I’m ready, if I’m ever ready for that. I’ll say good-bye. But not now.”

Kamui straightened, ignoring the jolt that sent through his leg, the words almost through gritted teeth as much due to surprise as pain, “That implies you’re sticking around.”

“I know.”

There really should have been something more to it, some great fanfare, a swelling of flowers, or sparkles like some goddamn shoujo manga. There should have been something more than just the sudden knowledge of what was being said and what wasn’t but – Kamui found he was okay with that. It was more than he’d hoped for and he shook his head, smiling ruefully, “You always do this to me. Surprise me. This – this is better than the last time. I don’t want to do the last time – ever again.”

“Anyway,” Kamui continued, looking away again, fingers tightening in Subaru’s, “we’ve got a lot to do. There’s a whole city to rebuild and I don’t care how rich Imonoyama-sama is, we’re still going to need help.”

“We, huh?”

***End